Helpless…

I feel like I am not even entitled to write this because this doesn’t even come close to what is happening in India.

I have to tell someone and who better than a bunch of strangers. It is the best kind of therapy without worrying about the repercussions of confessing in someone whom you already know.

Here goes nothing…

It was around 4 in the morning. I was returning along with three of my friends from a birthday party.We took a train from Churchgate area in Mumbai till Andheri. We had our male friends with us but they had to part ways with us since they lived in the opposite direction. So we decided to take an auto to go from station till our flat. Now an auto is supposed to carry only three people but we said what the hell, and rather than taking two autos we squeezed ourselves in a single auto.

I was sitting on one of the corners so naturally I was little bit outside of the auto.Auto sped off and suddenly out of nowhere there was this guy who was crossing the road with a Styrofoam cup of tea in his hand.Imagine an elephant crossing the road now instead of an elephant imagine a man in his place.Auto Driver had to put break all of a sudden our auto skidded a little.

Then the guy comes to my side of the auto and starts abusing the auto Driver as if it was his fault. Auto Driver said few things but then started to accelerate the auto so as not to engage that stupid guy. Then suddenly I feel a loud slap on my ass. I reacted instinctively saying “heyyy” but the guy shouted with more vigor like he was entitled to.I stopped from replying further because I got scared.

It is a pretty common scenario in India for a girl to react on something wrong just to face something much worse. That slap was not on my body but on my confidence. I was shaking.

My friends asked me what happened I didn’t reply for some time because I couldn’t form the words with which to describe what just happened. And then I did the most cowardly thing possible I said “Nothing”. I don’t know why I couldn’t bring myself to tell them they were my friends after all.

But I couldn’t.

As the auto sped up towards our house I wished for that person to die.

In my entire life I never even had a bad thought about a person but that day I really wished for that person to be dead.

How is it that with such a careless and shameful act they were able to shatter my confidence?

I have always prided in the fact that I can do things alone on myself and that I don’t need a male or a female company if I just wanted to wander in the city but that night all my pride left me.

I thought that is being a girl that helpless in this country that I might need a male company to go somewhere in my own country, my own city just so I could feel safe.

I feel so helpless at my inaction, my inability to retaliate.

I am a small town girl who has been hard wired from childhood to let such things pass lest they become into much worse incidents. I can’t blame my parents for doing that because looking from their point of view it is the only logical thing they can do. They cannot ask the world to stop being cruel and partial rather they can only ask their daughter to be extra nice, extra tolerant.

I know girls all over the world may have faced incidents far graver than mine and that makes me even more sad. Is it because of girls like me this guys get their strength and since I didn’t say anything next time he will resort to even more serious offense against some other poor girl.

I am clueless how to quench my feeling of helplessness and as days past the vibrations of that slap still haunts me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am 39. I weigh 149 pounds.

Repurposed Genealogy

I am 8.

I’m waiting for my mom in the Lamont’s dressing room. I hear the hum of florescent bulbs. I am only in underwear in front of the full length mirror.  My reflection blurs as tears fill my eyes.

I hear her asking the salesperson for a larger size shirt and skirt.

“Those are the largest sizes in  the children’s section.  You’ll have to try the junior’s section. I don’t know if we have anything else that will fit her here.”

I want to melt into the burgundy carpet.  Back to school shopping brings awareness of my shape and form. I am round and soft and curved. My body is one more way that I am different than the other girls my age.

My mom returns with different options. A plaid skirt.

“An all over pattern is slimming.”

A button down shirt.

“This color brings out the blue of…

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Neerja Bhanot – Humanity Thanks You

Yesterday I watched a biopic on Neerja Bhanot- a purser, based in Mumbai,
India, who was shot at while saving passengers from terrorists on board a
hijacked Pan Am Flight 73 on 5 September, 1986.Neerja was able to successfully
alert the piolet crew of the highjacking which enabled them to flee the plane
thereby putting a major dent in the highjacker’s plan.

But I don’t want to talk about what she did you can easily read it on
Wikipedia.What I do want to talk about is what prompted her to throw herself
in front of the children she barely knew. What made her risk her life and hide
the passports of Americans she had never laid her eyes on before that day.
What made her keep her cool in a situation in which most of us would be panic
stricken and terrified.In short, what made her brave.

There was nothing extra ordinary about Neerja. She was your average typical
Indian Girl.Was it her hijack training she received at Pan Am which was
responsible for her bravery or was it her tumultous past with her husband.

We can talk about some of the “science” facts that has been uncovered related
to such incidents :

According to one of the theories when you practice an act again and again, the
responsibility for performing the action switches from the brain’s outer
cortex, where it is experienced consciously, to the basal ganglia, which
executes the action automatically and isn’t affected by fear.
That way, when intense fear shuts down a person’s rational brain, he or she
will still be able to function on autopilot. This practice is quite common in
military bootcamps wherein soldiers are made to go through the
But Was she working on Autopilot when she dived in front of children without
giving as much a speck of thought and concern for her own life.

Military psychologists say that the instinct to protect those we love is one
of the most powerful forces motivating bravery in combat. But how could she
love these people she barely knew.

Knowledge also makes you brave.A Harvard sociologist and former wildland
firefighter, Matthew Desmond writes in his book On the Fireline: Living and
Dying with Wildland Firefighters that most are experienced outdoorspeople.
“Courage is based on the idea that you recognize the danger in the thing you
see,” Desmond says.But Neerja hadnt been exposed to this conditions before how
could she recognize the danger in it.

How is it that the next door girl showed exceptional bravery by defying every
norm science knows about bravery.

Whatever must be running on her mind during that unfortunate 16 hours remains a mystery. But what I know for sure is she turned from being the pedestrian Indian girl to a hero on which entire country is proud. Her story left me astonished and wondering would I ever throw myself in front of a gun to save others.

Even in our day to day life we are so selfish we tend to disregard others in
our search for self satisfaction.We are so immersed in our own bubble that
even if we see something unfortunate happening we choose to rather close our
eyes then to do something about it let alone take that suffering onto
ourselves.

People killing others in name of religion, gender, color, sexuality it all
confuses me. How can someone become so self involved that they forget the very
foundations on which this society is built, they forget their humanity.

As an individual I don’t know whether I would throw myself in front of a gun
for others but I do promise that I will be more accepting, more kind in my
everyday life. I will try to look at a situation from the other’s person
perspective too.

I will give my part to make this a better society so that one day there will
be no need for a Neerja Bhanot.

Nevertheless entire humanity cheers your effort and honors your sacrifice.

Thank You.